el chode dot com

8:30 AM: I hear my name yelled, and as I turn to my left to see why, my face was greeted with a bag of Cheddar Cheese goldfish dangling dangerously close to my face. Close as in I was started that something was so close when I turned.

“Want some?” she said.

I declined, and she proceeded to santize/sterlize her desk with a mysterious green liquid, then dump the contents of the bag on a paper towel.

A few jobs ago, we had some fat basement dweller have a can of Dr. Pepper every morning for breakfast. I’m not sure if this ranks higher on the nasty breakfast item scale or not.

OK, so here’s the deal with the pulled pork. From my memory, it’s been sitting on her desk for weeks, as you can see in some of the earlier pictures. But since I haven’t been documenting the progress of the pulled pork, I’m going to start now, post-dated Tuesday of this week when she was last in. On Wednesday I determined the tub of Lloyds’ pulled pork was in fact full of dried-out pulled pork, and had definitely been sitting there since Tuesday. She was not in on Wednesday. Today, Thursday, the pulled pork has not been touched.

This means there is age-quantifiable old, as in 3 day old, room-temperature pulled pork sitting on her desk.

The tally begins now. It starts today. I will keep an eye on it to see if she eats any over the coming days. I will also confirm my accuracy by documenting it’s consumption on days she’s not here.

Stay tuned.

I stayed at work late yesterday to finish up a few projects. The newest new girl asked why I always wear headphones. At first I played nice and told her I stream Sirius and some of the comedy stuff is NSFW, but then she said she thought it was because of people yelling across the office. The office manager came out, and I made a comment about how a lot of it was to tune out the ol’ stink behind me, and everyone had a chuckle and agreed she’s way too loud.

On my way out, I noticed she made some additions to her pantry, most notably a toothbrush, and an aquarium-patterned dixie cup sealed with packing tape. I didn’t have time to investigate then, but since I knew I’d be in before her today, I ninja-pic’d some evidence.

And listen, I know some people are weird and brush their teeth at work. That doesn’t make it normal. And why be so hygenic all of a sudden? It’s not like it makes up for powerbombing the whole area whenever you damn please. It’s almost as if she’s rips a “thwaaaapthweeeethurrrp” tri-octave symphony and then rationalizes “well, if I brush my teeth now it might cover the smell and make him forget”.

That’s not the most important part though. I wondered what the hell needed to be stored in a dixie cup and sealed with packing tape. So I looked inside. I’ll let the pic do the talking, but for all I know I’m sitting next to the anthrax bomber or a black widow arsenic bandit.

Or, simply, a crack head.

How people found this article:

• does smoking crack make your teeth black (3)
• should I brush my teeth immediately after smoking crack (2)
• smoking crack makes teeth black (2)
• girl smoking crack (2)
• smoking crack brush teeth (2)
• teeth right after smoking crack (2)
• brushing your teeth after smoking crack (2)
• brushing your teeth after smoking (2)
• teeth from smoking crack pics (1)
• smoking right after brushing your teeth (1)